So many decisions to make. So much to think about. Too much to deal with. 
My sister 
- She is in the middle of this divorce and all she keeps doing now is wasting her money and gas on someone that she is only leading on. And lying to everyone. Which she does not have the money in the first place to be doing this especially when she has two children that she cant take care of none the less wasting all her money on gas and things for "" that she shouldnt be doing is not helping her. And all she does is bring me into the situation and make me lie for her when in the first place im trying my hardest to make up the trust my parents have already lost in me, and this is not helping. She is going to get herself pregnant and not care what so ever when she can barely afford the two children she already has.

My grandmother
- She has taken a long trip down to SC to stay for a while with my aunt. Which causes me to miss her quite a bit. None the less I think about everyday how guilty she makes me feel seeing as she is so depressed and tells me I never go over when I am over there more than anyone on a daily basis and all she ever does when I go over there is put me down about what a horrible child I am and how much I lie and I cause so many problems. Not to mention I am always wrong to her. I dont call her when she leaves because I dont know what to talk about and I am not good on the phone. But what hurts the most is that in my 16 years I had never seen my grandmother cry and within the past month I have witnessed it over 5 times... I feel horrible and guilty.... 

My brother
- He annoys me constantly! Yes I love him to death and would never want anything to happen to him but I don't know what has gotten into him lately because it seems like the older he is getting, the more obnoxious. He just doesnt know when to stop and he never does, then when I fly off the handle after calmly sitting there and taking it for as long as possible I get my ass reemed for yelling. Its complete bull. My mother lets him get away with everything. Everything that she would yell at me for. He talks back, he yells at her, and then he takes himself right out of punishment and she could give a care in the world. She thinks he is this little angel when he is not and all he makes me want to do is explode. 

My mother
- Lately I don't know for sure what it is she is going through but whatever it is it does not mixwell with me. All we do is fight and she gets fed up with me easily just as well as I do her. She gets mad over nothing lately and as that happens, it puts me in the worst mood which makes me completely fed up with everyone and everything. Especially when I drive she has been getting so tense and just yells for no reason even when someone else on the road does something wrong she yells at me. I know she is stressed out, but so am I. 

My father
- On occasion, which is rarely anymore there are days when he is okay and calm about things. The rest of the time which is most of the time lately my dad has been flying off the handle and is upset by everything. Nothing is good enough. The cellar was not clean so we are the worthless bastards who have to clean up the mess everyone made as he sat there making us feel terrible and made my brother and mother cry and made her so upset about it she took the day off work to clean it up. Sense that day about two weeks ago, I have not been able to look at my father as the person I wanted to look up to. He says horrible things that my mom says he doesnt mean, such as your fat you need to get back into karate, you think your ugly, your a worthless piece of shit. Words hit hard. And he uses them often. 


All together with that whole situation with the basement, my mom was so hurt that day and I didnt know what to do. I think about it and they all let it go like it never happened. Everything in this house is let go like it never happened. Am I the only one affected by what goes on here? 

Last night I went to bed at 2 after sitting up thinking about my life and what I should do. Then I woke up around 3 not being able to go back to bed until 4:30 due to the fact that I warm tears were pouring down my face all night because I was so sad about everything going on. 

I have so much on my mind and I don't mean to but I keep it all bottled up inside until it all mixes together and I don't know how to explain my feelings, which makes me completely bi-polar about every situation. 

Shawn
- Everyone thinks im done, and over it. Not at all. Everyone told me the feelings would start to fade and I would start to heal and be able to move on... Well everyone is wrong. And there is no way of showing anyone how I feel because all they know is shawn made a mistake. He made a mistake because he was upset and hurt. He has had so many problems in his life and I tried to help. Now I can't. And my parents seemed as if they were going to try and be forgiving in the begining and try and cope with what happened until I made the mistake and talked to him behind my parents back. Then after being able to talk to him I made the mistake of seeing him behind their back. Which is all my fault. Not his. We are two teenagers who hit hard and have feelings no one could ever explain... Maybe that may just be me now I am not sure, but I believed him when he told me he would always love me, even if he has moved on now. But that I will not know because I am not allowed to see or be in touch with him. It kills me everynight. I was up last night balling my eyes out and all I could do was think about how much I miss him... All I ever do is think about how he could just hold me and talk me through everything and it would all be okay and it tears me apart inside to know that I cant have that comfort and what hurts me the most is knowing that even if my parents could even realize how  I feel and let me see him, my family would completly look down on me, not that they dont already. None the less my parents would disown me anyway. Its so hard going through everday having to be pulled by my love for someone and my love for my family it kills me. And I cry, all the time all I do is cry. And no one gets it and they never will. I try so hard to show them and make them realize, when half the time, I dont even know if it is worth it anymore. From what I hear I dont even think he cares. 

I really dont know about anyone anymore. 


On June 26 2010, I will be 18 years old and I will be free to have whatever feelings I want and I will go as far away from this place as possible. I dont want to but I just may have to. Maybe I will finally be happy.

Still no better.. :/ Im really trying. 
Theres so much stress
What the fuck.

Im doing bad things for bad reasons :(
I wish he would talk to me... Its important.

sucked. alot. So I woke up at 5ish from a text message saying im so sorry and i love you and stuff. So I text back. And get ignored all day. Of course. Then, I finally get to go to therapy again so I go for my appointment and no one was there so me and my mom left and when we got half way home we got a call telling us to go back and by the time we got back I had half the time for the full price and he said he was there the whole time. So I get in and talk, then my mom comes in and we talk and I flipped out and cried and got really upset and exploded with feelings.. So we finally left and had to go give my dad medicine at work and none the less I almost crash 3 times from being so upset. So we finally get there and things are alright and wwere laughing, until we get ready to leave and my dad tells me I wear too much makeup and it makes me look horrible and then he said I think im ugly, and I say it all the time when I never do. So my mom says she doesnt thinks shes ugly and he freaked out and was like yes she thinks she is ugly she says it all the time and he was like oh you think your so ugly and you have to wear makeup, well are your sisters ugly? because you look just like them so do you think they are ugly? So I walked out to the car upset and he came out and was like saying a bunch of stuff like why are you upset and stuff. So I go home and my mom says how my grandma is depressed and lonley because no one visits her and it made me feel horrible. Next off I come to my sisters to help her babysit 8 kids that are sleeping over and I have to sit outside in the sun from 3-8 in pants sneakers and 2 shirts. None the less I didnt feel good. So of course I have been waiting all day for a message but of course I did not get it. Instead I get a call that he is at the movies with shawna.. but i dont care. I should not care. He says they are only friends, and thats fine. But even as friends its hurts me that he ignoresme everyday because they are together everyday all day. That used to be me.. Now it is her.. I need to get used to this. I need to move on or else I will aways sit depressed thinking they ae dating when they are not. But come on. Why would he lie to me? They must notbe dating. UGH  I feel like doing some things he has threatenedbut  with out failing. I always feel like doing it. Always.. I write so much, and write all my feelings but why? He reads it, responds 2 sentences. Thenignores yet  again. No point in writing, No point in loving, No point in living.